Could It Be Any Harder
by flawsinscience
Summary: Abby is confronting life without Carter


**Title:** Could It Be Any Harder  
**Part:** 1?  
**Rating: **12/15 for content and issues being dealt with  
**Origin:** Carter and Abby (Carby) from ER  
**Disclaimer:** Much though I would love to own them I don't, they will be returned after I'm done with them   
**Summary: **This is taken from a time when Carby rained in ER, imagining the fact Kem didn't interrupt things, Carter and Abby have been dating for quite some time, but aren't married. Abby was going to tell him something, but did she?

**Authors Notes 1:** Tissues warning is being issued now, you have been warned.

**Author Note 2:** Thanks to Sarah H for proof reading this and giving it punctuation, I will learn some day.

_Dedicated to any hardcore Carby fans coughs Jo coughs_

Could It Be Any Harder

I stand there, alone, on my own, no one with me, yet people are around me, he is gone, there is nothing now, just his lifeless body sat on the Gurnee, he is dead. HE isn't the person I knew, the crazy, fun loving, caring, strong, loving person that he was. Was. I can feel emotive tears beginning; I still have his blood on my hands, my hair a mess as I break down, the people around me, my colleagues, are worried for me, their faces tell me. Pity. They pity me for loosing someone so close. HE IS GONE. I left it badly, I argued with him, told him to take a running jump and die, he did, I never meant it like that. Never meant it at all, I was angry with him for messing me about. Despite appearances I am not as strong as people think… I have a heart. Is this my punishment for not showing my vulnerability, to anyone but him! I can't look at him, not like that, with his chest ripped open, his mouth obscured by the vent, his eyes closed to the world, his soft gentle hands lost in amass of tubes, no he isn't the same, he isn't Carter like that.

_It was a stupid, stupid, stupid fight, we were out beside the Shedd aquarium, we'd taken the El into the centre. To spend the day together. We did. It was bliss. Walking through the bustling centre, an obscure couple, mattering to no-one except us, scaling the Sears tower, kitsch I know but it was amazing, the clear August sky was beautiful, to match my beautiful man. Wandering aimlessly in Millennium Park was neat, full of couples just like us, couples out to enjoy the day, children playing in the fountain, splashing, a look into the future, what our lives could have been. Could have been. HE wanted to go to Navy Pier, I wanted to go to the aquarium, the inner child loved going there, I thought he would want to go too, he didn't. Said I was being silly, Navy Pier had more to offer. I told him he was wrong, we argued. He left. Never to return again._

I'm still stood here, waiting for nothing, he is gone, the person who supported me through thick and thin is no more, vanished, deceased, gone to nothing, life no more, whatever slant you take on it he isn't with me, if he was he'd tell me to stop wallowing in self pity. I can't, damn you Carter, why did you have to leave, why did you have to go now, I'd always thought it would be years in advance, this day. We'd have 2.4 children, be sat out in a leafy suburb, working when we liked, you'd golf, I'd do lunch with the ladies. It would be perfect. Not like this, not you getting run over, I don't care if it was a hit and run, it could have been a terrorist attack for all I care. Dare I move to your face, confront the greatest fear I've always had, that of loosing you.

They've cleaned you up nice, you look peaceful, like you are sleeping, but you're not, you're gone. I cry. I touch your hand, it's smooth, just like it was when you caressed my face, reassuring me that everything would be ok. I don't have you to do that now, do I? All I have are friends, people to look out for me, make sure I don't do something stupid, I would you know, I'd do anything to have another day with you, be with you for 24 little hours, even an hour, tell you how much I love you, its silly isn't it, I'd give my life to be with you, speak to you, cuddle you, love you, it's foolish, love is foolish. The light fall so softly on your face, illuminating its spark, the spark you possessed when you were alive, if only you would get off the bed, laugh and tell me its one sick joke, come on Carter, prove me wrong, tell me I'm dreaming. I take your hand in mine, lift it up, its limp form, stroke it against my cheek, wipe away my tears Carter. Help me. I miss you already. "Goodbye my baby" I whisper, to you and you alone "rest in peace my silly fool, I'll see you again someday, someday we can be together" I hate the thought of him being alone, alone up there, his soul unmatched, his life in limbo, waiting for me, will he wait. Someone steps into the room I don't care who it is, I want you Carter, no one else but you. I want to be loved by you again, told off by you, serenaded by you. Laughed at by you, hugged by you, followed home by you, congratulated by you. Will I get it? The answer is no.

"Abby," it's Susan, she's come to check on me, I must have been in here for hours, she wouldn't come otherwise. She puts an arm round me; I turn round, my face a mess, my eyes stung red by grief, tears of sorrow. Tears of a love lost, just tears. More come, I cannot stop them now, she knows, I know, everyone will know soon enough.

"He's gone Susan, the jerk has gone and left me," I mumble incoherently, Susan's response is to hug me tighter, its what I need "I told him to take a running jump and die and he did, it, it was a stupid argument, I never meant it,"

"No I know you didn't, it was just a freak accident" right now she is possibly the best person to comfort me, I can't face anyone else, they are all grieving for a friend, I'm grieving a lover, a love lost, a soul mate.

"But I left it wrong, we parted in anger, not love, it's not fair" my voice fades away as I cry more, you would think I'm all out of tears, you'd be wrong, I feel empty, I feel lost, its like being in an abyss, there is no light anymore, my torch, my guide has gone.

"I know, I know, we all miss him, already," Susan is on the verge of tears now too, I feel bad, everyone has just taken on their own burden, they don't need mine too.

"I'm sorry, I'm just being stupid now, he'd just tell me to buck up my ideas and keep going" I feign a smile, he is still with me, his voice rings out in my mind, a memory, a past person, like ones deceased parents, family members, friends, people lost along the path of life.

"No Carter would have wanted you to talk, not forget him, grieve for him and remember him" her words consol me, yet I am still inconsolable "Abby you've just had the biggest shock of you life, the person you loved, couldn't be without has gone."

"I want him back" I sigh eventually, "I want him to be near me, to hold me" all hope eternal that he may come back has gone, I'm left alone, me, no one else but me and a guardian angel.

"I know you do, it's only natural, we all want him here, you have friends Abby, you will never walk alone, just remember that" Susan lets me go, holds my hand as I continue my goodbyes, she starts hers, saying goodbye is harder than words can prepare you.

Then I remember the little one, a hand crosses my tummy, it stops, the bump that will be a reminder, I won't be alone.


End file.
